Okay I Admit IT....

I am CHEAP. No, not frugal, cheap. I get great joy out of getting something for free or on sale with a coupon. I used to lie to my self and tell my self that I was frugal but recently I realized that I need to embrace my cheapness and proudly proclaim it to the world.

I won't buy anything for my self unless it is on sale or I have a coupon. Last week I got really excited because Target had shirts on sale for $6.00 and I had a $3 off coupon on the same shirt. I could only print two coupons on my computer so I enlisted my girlfriend Gary, to print off two on his computer so I was able to get 4 shirts for $12.00. But I did not stop there...NOOOO. I also brought my own bag thus getting the beloved 5 cents off as well. Then I proudly waved the receipt under Agent Daddy's nose when he got home. Because frugal is happy saving money. I need recognition for my savings there for I am CHEAP. And now I am CHEAP LOUD and PROUD.

I get three newspapers every Sunday, NOT to read, but for the inserts. I prowl the internet wed sites like Coupon Clipping Daddy, Budget Savy Diva, Raining Hot Coupons and Debt Free Spending to make sure I am not missing out on any freebies. I carry my coupon binder in the car with me everywhere, "Just in case". Who ever heard of a coupon EMERGENCY? But my cheapness has led me to carry the coupon binder instead of the first aid kit in the car.

I think that if Agent Daddy wasn't frugal himself he might have staged a coupon intervention by now. I haven't reached the level of Extreme couponer yet but that just might be part of my bright future, I have braces for the Tech Monkey coming up and I have yet to find a coupon for them.

NOT ME and I DON'T KNOW.

I would like to introduce to you the two new occupants of my home, NOT ME and I DON'T KNOW. They used to only come and visit occasionally but I believe that they have moved in permanently at this point.
"Where ," you might ask "do they live in your house?" I mean its a small house with only three bedrooms, but they have found their spots and made them selves right at home...kind of like crabgrass.

NOT ME lives in my boys bathroom. Every time I ask "Who didn't flush the toilet?" Both kids yell "NOT ME!" "Whose clothes are on the floor of the bathroom?" NOT ME. "Who left the toothpaste out with out a cap on it?" NOT ME. I do not know who raised this little monster, NOT ME, but his parents are unbelievably bad. NOT ME ventures into other rooms too. "Who left their shoes in the kitchen?" NOT ME "Who left the lights on in the kitchen?" NOT ME. "Who Spilled goldfish all over the carpet?" NOT ME

And NOT ME is not alone. He brought a friend, I DON'T KNOW. "Whose turn is it to take out the trash?" I DON'T KNOW. "Who left the refrigerator door open?" I DON'T KNOW. "Whose clothes are these on the floor?" I DON'T KNOW. Now, I DON'T KNOW doesn't have a favorite place like NOT ME. I DON'T KNOW, seems to spread his joy all over the house and likes to ride in the car too. "Whose shoes are these in the car?" You guessed it...I DON'T KNOW.

What I really need to know is when NOT ME and I DON'T KNOW will be leaving for college. Because when they ask who is paying for college, I will say I DON'T KNOW, NOT ME.

Mama's Gone OFF the Reservation

I went to a fund raiser, THE PARTY at Long Beach Grand Prix, in a night club this weekend and I learned several things.

1. I am an old married woman. I know this because I could not remember when the last time I was in a night  club with my husband was. I believe it was before I got pregnant with my oldest son. When I was in college I went clubbing every weekend. Now I do laundry on the weekends.

2. I am married to an old guy. I am not sure how that happened because he was a young hip guy when we got married and I haven't gotten old. I know he is an old guy because he kept going outside at the club because "the music was too loud." My dad used to tell me my music was too loud. When did Agent Daddy become my dad?

3. When allowed out of the house with out my kids I will go wild. Well not really wild, but I will stay out really late, eat fried food and wear heals that are really to high for me.

4. The world has changed since I was last in a club. And not for the better. Early in the evening all the people in the club were perfectly respectable. I went to the bathroom, came out and there was a woman in the middle of the club whose clothes had all fallen off. I am sure that had fallen off because surely no one would go to a night club dressed in a string bikini and thigh high leather boots..right? The Tech Monkey refers to the Boots as "Whore Boots" maybe he knows something I don't.

5. Drinks are expensive. When I was going to the clubs as a single girl a mixed top shelf drink was $8. Now well drinks are $15. Now that wouldn't bother me so much but back in the day I would get my drinks for free from all of the generous old guys trying to pick up a young chick. Now I am married to the old guy and he frowns on me flirting for my drinks while he watches.

6. I need my beauty rest. Back in the day I would go clubbing till the cows came home and sleep for an hour then go to work. Now I need 5 hours of sleep and a three hour beauty nap the next day or I am a zombie. Being a zombie wouldn't be so bad except that Agent Daddy is addicted to "The Walking Dead" and I am afraid he might shoot me in the head to save the children.

All in all it was a an AMAZING event benefiting the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation and America's Baby Cancer Foundation. The final thing I learned is that the toughest guys love their kids and have the biggest hearts. Rich Evans Donated an $85,000 custom Mustang to benefit these two wonderful organizations. I was truly impressed by his kindness and humility.

Flying and Time Travel

The boys often ask me " Mom, if you could have any super power what would you choose?"I usually answer quickly with "Flying." I have always wished I could fly. I thought Wendy in "Peter Pan" was so lucky to fly over London. Tinker Bell, Fairies and even Superman all seemed to have mastered the art of Flying. I admit I am still pretty jealous.I still even have dreams where I can fly. In my dreams flying is alot like swimming. I push off from the ground after getting a running start and then just move my arms and legs like I would if I was swimming. Of course my blood thirsty offspring are confused by my desire to fly. They want cool super powers like shooting lighting bolts out of their fingers and fire from their eyes.they want to blow up their brother, the too slow driver in front of us or the guy on TV. I am not sure why they want to blow that guy up but I am pretty sure it would scare me if I knew, so I don't ask.

Lately though I have come to the conclusion that time travel is at least equally as desirable as flying. Airborne is the first one to illuminate some of the great things I could do If I could time travel. These include in no  particular order, going back in time to buy winning lottery tickets, going back in time to get ready for school on time so we were not late and didn't forget his lunch (AGAIN), buying gold at $1.00 an ounce and selling at today's price, and my favorite, going back in time tho when he remembers having his ipod so he can just take it to the present instead of having to look for it. I am starting to believe that he already has a super power..laziness. Really who would waste a time machine on finding their stuff? I would be going back in time to find out who REALLY killed Kennedy, what REALLY happened to the "weather balloon" at Roswell, and probably going back to buy gold at a $1.00 an ounce. Well he had at least one good idea. Now if I could just get him to do his homework in this timeline...

When you become the parent.

Agent Daddy Again pinch hitting for the "MOM" When asked to do this again, I was somewhat perplexed on what to write. So, I decided to write about something that was near and dear to my heart...my MOM. After 50 years as a couple, my father passed away in 2007 from complications of a stroke he suffered two years earlier. PLEASE, SMOKING & A POOR DIET will add up to no good in the long run, so please be careful, but I digress.

Having to deal with the aftermath, I soon realized  that my mother was no longer my mother, but an irresponsible seventeen-year old girl in the body of a 67 year old women, with financial resources. In the movie, "As Good As It Gets" Jack Nicholson's character plays a very successful but neurotic writer. He was asked in the movie by a female fan, "How do you write women so well?" His response, "I think of a man, and I remove reason and accountability."  A funny line if you're a guy, but not so funny if your living it.

Being the only child (in a Catholic Family, that's already odd) , the responsibility fell on me... "Honor your Mother and your Father" After seeing my mother in action, or lack there of in the day to day operations of the house, I did not realize how much my late father did for my mother.

Throughout my childhood, I saw MOM write the checks to pay the bills. This led me to believe, erroneously, that she was responsible and could manage finances. Dealing with my now widowed mother I now see that is "ALL" my father would let her do, because money to her is like shoes to Imelda Marcos, water to a water park, a bag of M&M's at the M&M Store, there will always be more.

The hardest with her is the strange logic that I have to address, like "I went to the casino to get more money," On multiple occasions, I would have to explain to her, after she lost THOUSANDS of dollars, that Casino's are not  ATM's . They are  known for taking money,not giving it.

Another instance is when she bought a newer car, her first without my father. Weeks later she calls me in a snit and is insisting that her car is broken, and she wants to return it, because it now won't start. Knowing that it was given a full multi-point inspection and a new battery when she bought it, I tried it my self, and it started right away. This repeats again a week later. I do the same and it starts. Perplexed my mother asked me what I was doing. I showed her. With a look of amazement, she asked, "Do you really have to push the gas pedal every time you turn the key?" She has been driving for over 40 years and she is JUST figuring this out?

I could go on, but I think you get the gist. I do not want to embarrass my mother, though I doubt she would ever read this. My wife was trying to explain pull down menus and point & click to her. Her job is going completely paperless, and Mamalicious was trying to get her comfortable with computers before her classes started. Computers already scar the crap out of her, but she doesn't have a choice any longer to not learn. Forgive me for sounding sexist, but she says to me "I might break my nails" When my wife suggested that she could cut them to a more manageable length she looked horrified and asked me "Do I really have to cut them down?" I assured her that she would be fine if she cut her nails.

Thanks to my late father's example, I am being the dutiful son, but with ever expanding gray hairs.So remember, sometimes your other child, not the one you brought home from the hospital, but the one who brought you home, is just as much trouble. But what are you going to do, it's MOM.

The Power of Boob's

I remember the first time I realized that my boob's had special power. I was twelve and had a pair of C cup size breasts. My family with our 20 pieces of luggage had just landed in Malaysia and was trying to secure a taxi to take us to the hotel. As a group we where having no luck what so ever. So my mom grabbed one suitcase and my hand and moved me about 20 feet away from all of them and told me to hail a taxi. I waved my hand in the air at the first taxi to drive up and he stopped, got out of the taxi and grabbed my suitcase and started loading it in the back. While he was occupied my father walked up with the family and the rest of the luggage in tow and the now unhappy taxi driver wrangled another taxi to follow us with our luggage.

I am now 44 and for over 30 years I have used the magic of my boobs to get men to carry heavy objects, open doors, buy drinks, and volunteer to help me move. I have never felt guilty about this. Figuring that God gives us each special talents and that it would be sinful to not use them. Then I had boys. As my oldest enter puberty I begin to feel as if I should warn him of the power of the boob. That I should explain that if you look directly at them they can mesmerize you and make you do things you would normally not volunteer for. Should I explain that the girl is really only interested in having you carry the heavy box to her car. And that by doing so she will not fall in love with you? That the feeling that you have is only an illusion created by the  power of the boob?

But then I am afraid that if I tell him these things that it may be breaking an unspoken code of the boob. And that by breaking the code I shall be cursed with saggy boobs that have lost their power. And I wonder if I am willing to give up that power knowing that my son may not even listen to my advice. I could lose my power and he STILL might look at them on some girl and be mesmerized. SO Now I would be powerless and so would he. And what good would that really do? And If I can no longer wield my power then I might have to start carrying heavy objects. That would not be good at ALL.

So in the end I think that I shall retain my power and hope that his father warns him of the dangers of looking straight into the mesmerizing power of the boob. Really it should be his job anyway.

Here's Mommy!

So many times I hear new mothers say, “Well, I’d be a fabulous looking mom if I had money and a beauty team like all those celebrity mom’s,”  But fact of the matter is, a lot of those celebrity moms out there, are just like all the other new moms.  They tend to lean towards comfort over fashion forward.  So after consulting my team of fashionisa mothers, I found 3 easy tips on how to make the “I have no time to get ready” outfit into the “I’m just trying to look chic and casual” outfit.

   1.       Now you’ve always heard me say.  Pre plan, pre plan, pre plan.  I’m sure I’ve hammered this point home.  But another great tip is go for comfort!  Nothing worse then a new mother fidgeting with her outfit because she’s trying to manage a two year old while wearing kitty heels and a high waisted skirt.  A loose flowing cotton tank top with some skinny jeans and a wedge or flat is more then enough to do the trick.  Take a look at Jessica Alba!

 

2.      As a new mother you don’t need a full face of make up, just look how bare Heidi Klum's face is, she has just a touch of blush.  Your main focus should actually be keeping your skin healthy.  Moisturizers, cleansers and enough sleep will keep your face glowing.  I always recommend picking up a container of Kiehl’s Clay Mask.  And enjoy a 15 minute clay mask break.  It does wonder for your pores and skin.  An overnight treatment would also be great too.  This eliminates the stress of having to apply make up in the morning, giving you extra time to do other things that need to get done.

  3.      Last but not least have a “Mommy moment”  whether its treating yourself to an at home mani/pedi or having a 15 minute massage!  If you FEEL  good then you will LOOK good.  Or even just a fun relaxing play date with the kids like Gwenyth Paltrow.

So new mothers, I hope you enjoyed reading this, and remember, Stay Fabulous!