Three Times A Day

 There are many things I did not consider when I decided to become a parent. Yeah I am one of those people who actually decided. I didn't have an oopsie and then just grin and bear it. I really had intellectual conversations about whether or not I wanted to be a parent and then about the best ways to go about being the best parent EVER. I took classes, interviewed other parents, and generally approached becoming a parent the way I had approached everything else in life.

There was some things I did not consider.

1 Kids like to eat. Like three times a day, EVERY DAY. In fact if they are not eating there is somethign wrong and one of the other things I didn't consider may occur.

2. I don't really like to cook. I like food. I just really didn't spend a ton of time considering that my college degree should have been a culinary degree because I would be spending the next 20 years of my life cooking.

3. Vomit and diarrhea. Frankly vomit is something I really only thought about happening in the bath room like diarrhea. NOPE when kids are involved both of those will occur and the worst possible moment. Sometimes simultaneously. Sometimes they create a chain reaction amongst all the others around you. We
one time got 20 people to vomit all at the same restaurant thanks to Airborne and a chocolate milk geyser that issued forth from his mouth at a restaurant during the dinner rush.

4. Kids, like dogs should not be left alone when they are mad. They will find your stuff and destroy it. Then look at you with their big eyes so you feel guilty about being mad.

5. Did I mention the 20 years of cooking three times a day?

6. You will never sleep in again. Sleep was my friend before children. I used to love to sleep til noon on Saturdays and vacations.Now I wake up at O Dark thirty every FREAKING day whether I need to or not.

7. Every part of your body will sag. It usually starts with your boobs and tummy but even your eyelids will sag for the first 6 months of their lives. I thought that I knew sleep deprivation from college. I learned a whole new level of torture when my kids were newborns.

8. You will open your mouth and your mother will come out. You will then  run to the bathroom to cry and call your mom to apologize for the horrible kid you now know you were. After the cooking thing this was what I found most disturbing.

9. It is impossible to get more than 3 people to smile and be clean at the same time if 2 or more of them are kids. Photoshop was invented for parents by parents for exactly this reason.

10. No one wants to baby sit once they walk and talk. Nope not one person. Not even grandma who suddenly has a million things to do when you want her to babysit over night. Babys yes, toddlers, preschoolers, elementary schoolers, pre teens and teens are not welcome.

So if you are considering having kids, hopefully this will help you be aware of the land mines coming.