Hooker Heels, Crack and Hoo Haas

 Last night Agent Daddy and I attended the Comedy for Autism Event at the Historic Fox Theater in downtown Fullerton CA. Agent Daddy and I are huge fans of Carlos Mencia and he was performing so we decided this would be a great date night. We got dressed up, went to the event early so as to enjoy the dinner and cocktail hour, and were shocked by what many of the women were wearing. Now remember this is a CHARITY event for kids. I am no prude as those of you who read this blog know,


but even Agent Daddy blushed as a woman walked by us in see through pants. The pants were tight leopard print yoga type pants and they were completely see through and she wore no, zero, zip, nada underwear. Not even a g string. She was one of the members of the press. She was taking pictures, when Agent daddy elbowed me and said, "I just saw that woman's vajayjay."
"Please call it by its proper name honey, hoo haa." I replied as I tried to get a look to see if he was exaggerating. He wasn't. I thought maybe she didn't realize that her Hoo Haa was showing. ( I always try to think the best of people) but then she turned around and we could follow her butt crack like an interstate map. There is no way this woman looked in the mirror and did not know that she was making a scene.

Then came the hoochies. I am not sure when the goal of getting dressed up became "find the tightest, shortest, lowest cut  dress  and pair it with a pair of hooker heels" but I can assure you that it is really not a good look on ANY ONE. I do not care how skinny you think you are. If your dress is so tight you have to pant to get air it is too damn tight. And if you cannot sit down in a chair without your skirt becoming a belt, it is too short. I saw so many clams last night I thought maybe they were giving a prize out for the most creative shave/wax job. Now girls, just cause you paid a stranger to shave/wax your lady parts does not mean the rest of us want to see what you got for your money.

And while we are on the subject of sharing your private parts with the world, I have a bone to pick with low rise skinny jeans wearing hoochies too. There were several women, old enough to know better women, wearing low rise skinny jeans and no underwear last night. How do I know that they were wearing no underwear? Well, because every time they sat down the moon came out. CRACK kills ladies. I never before thought of thongs and g strings as being modest, but last night I would have been so thhankful if they had chosen one or the other so that I did not have to look at their crack every time they sat down. Guy crack is bad enough but girl crack is WACK!

Then the hoocies started getting tipsy and the show really began. If you are wearing 8 inch heels, no underwear and a dress so short it could be a blouse, you have no business getting so wasted you fall down. Have you ever seen a turtle on its back? Well  wasted hoohie looks like the Hustler version of that. Not pretty, not sexy, just messy.

Luckily for me the comedians, ALL five of them, were hysterical. I laughed so hard I almost didn't see that one hoochie had a piercing in an uncomfortable place.