There Are Somethings That I Do NOT Want to Know

This morning the Tech Monkey sought me out with the milk jug in his hand. Before I could inquire as to why he was wandering the house with the milk jug he says " Mom smell this" and runs the open jug under my nose.

My eyes watered and I started to gag and he replies. " Yeah I thought it might be bad."
"If you thought it was bad, why did I have to smell it?" I asked
"I wanted to be sure." he replied walking away. " Oh yeah mom we need milk." he calls over his shoulder.



"I don't want to know how bad milk smells. In fact, if you smell anything in the refrigerator that doesn't smell good, I suggest you throw it out."  I called after him. But this conversation made me I realize something. Somehow, while I was raising these two precocious boys I became an expert in bad smells.  So much so that I have to tell them not to bring me stuff that smells bad.

I do not want to know how your gym shorts smell after having been incarcerated in your locker for a month without washing. I have no interest in the smell of your dirty socks or whether or not your armpit smells enough to take a shower. If in doubt wash it out!

There are other things I do not want to know. I do not want to know that your butt or balls itch. If they do, go somewhere far from me, preferably in private, and take care of the problem. If the problem will not be solved by scratching alone,  your father is now in charge of all illnesses that occur below the waist.

I do not want to know that you talk on the telephone when you are on the bathroom. I would rather believe that you are talking to yourself.

I do not want to know how the soda got on the ceiling of my kitchen. I suggest you just clean it up before I see it. You will live longer.

I do not want to know that you forgot to change your sheets... for a month. I can pretty much smell that if I enter your room. And while we are on the subject of rooms, if, when I open the door to your room,  the smell makes my eyes water, you are pretty much in trouble. Nothing good smells that bad.

I do not want to know that you had a zit on your butt. Again anything below the waist is referred automatically to your father. I won't ask. Please don't tell.

I am pretty sure that I do not need to smell your dirty underwear or see them on the floor of the bathroom. Can we PLEASE make sure that that never happens again. And while we are in the bathroom, lets just say that if your bathroom smells like urine, you need better aim. And you better clean it up before I smell it. Because if I smell it, it will not be pretty. And I may need a lawyer.

I do not want to smell your deodorant. Even in the container but for sure not in your armpit.

I do not want to smell your morning breath. No one else really does either so please brush your teeth. A LOT.

I am not interested in smelling your farts either. It really is not funny when you seek me out to "share" something with me.

So now you know. The stinky smell office is closed.Please do not bring stinky stuff to me anymore. Thank You